My battle with depression.

What is depression? I've heard over the years from numerous people what their interpretation of depression is and it always involves a traumatic experience or a series of traumatic experiences of some nature. In regards to others, I always think" Damn, that's incredibly sad.I hate that you are dealing with that bullshit." My ability to empathize is both a gift and a curse because I feel so much for others that when they hurt, it hurts me as well. I''ve started to see the people I associate with and are closest with have dealt with some real shit throughout their lives. Upon discovering this realization, it was then I wondered what it was that brought me to these people and what kept me involved in their lives. What was it or what is it that attracts these folks to me or I to them? I've come to understand it's because they know the level of pain, hurt, and struggle that I know and I ask myself "Does that make me depressed?" For a long time, the things that I've experienced have been pushed to the side and are so deep rooted that I've just been able to remain silent over so many years and shove them off to the side. The reason I don't give a fuck about so many things in life is because I don't give a fuck about myself and it comes from years of dealing with bullshit. I remember being a couple years old and sleeping in the back of a car while my mom was getting drunk in a bar. I remember being a bad ass kid and her screaming at me" I Fucking hate you, Anthony Hagans." I grew up in a town that is still to this day ignorant as fuck. Fucking punks that only see me for the color of my skin and think it's ok to assume shit about me when they don't know a god Damn thing about me. Relatives that hardly cared for my brother's or myself because my mother had kids with a black man. I've heard shit like" yeah but he's not really black..." from various black folks. I've been in an identity crisis for so many years it's ridiculous but I just continue to do me the best that I can. Getting kicked out of the military was one of the worst experiences I went through because I was treated differently on my way out the door by so many people because they can judge you because you Fucked up and can be criticised for it. Fucking investigators Tryna get me to snitch on my homies 4 times and threatening me with jail time because I wasn't saying shit but then i'm forced to sign a paper admitting shit because several others said I was involved in these circumstances. I've had family and friends take money from me when I was tryna look out for em, people I've known for years. These are only a small percentage of things I've experienced and I could go on for days about Fucked up shit I've gone through and had to cope with myself. My kindness has been taken advantage of in so many different areas and I'm just stuck asking why. It's easy to be viewed as a fuck up when that's all you do but I've never changed who I was/am. I never aim to step on anyone's toes and I've accepted my failures and blame no one for anything. All of this and so much more eat me up every moment of every day of my life and it is a battle to raise myself up every day because throughout the majority of my life, nobody else has. Maybe it's because I've never opened up to anyone but I never knew how to because I never learned how to. It was always and still is" Accept and move on." That way of thinking has helped me cope with things and has also Fucked me up on so many levels. I'm not putting this out there to ask for help but I'm just telling it like it is. I can hardly even think of a single person to thank because in my darkest moments, it's always been just me there standing at the edge. The only thing that I have been able to speak to is my music. You can feel my anger, my hurt, my struggle, my joys, my pains, every bit of my personality because it's my release. I don't have to think about anything. I just rap my Fucking ass off because that's exactly how I feel at that moment in time. I don't do it to please anyone, I do it for myself and maybe someone will share the experiences I've went through along the way. This isn't for show. This isn't an act. This is for all the times I've never been able to speak up. This is for how Pissed off I am all the time. This is for how much struggle I've dealt with and didn't know what to do. This is for the ones who have never changed on me and saw me through my low points and I love those people. If I had to deliver a message within this piece it is to discover who you truly are. I learn something about myself every day, come to terms with certain things and though the situations do not necessarily get better, I understand myself a little more and it helps delegate what I wish to achieve for me. The weird and scary thing about depression is that you don't realize you are depressed. At least, not me and maybe it's because i don't want to think I am because how could someone like myself feel that way but truthfully, I do feel this way all the time when I need to stare it in the face and start making the changes I need to. I've found myself to be an angry, emotional,  introverted ass muh fugga and it's hard to convey anything I think to anyone because of how I feel and think but I will say to anyone out there going through a similar situation, I feel your suffering and you will make it out. Give yourself goals and accomplish them, even if the seem insurmountable and never let anyone tell you otherwise. Do you for you and only you and you will see the benefits draw towards you, I guarantee it.

Blindian or Indiack???

This particular situation I'm going to describe is something not entirely too major. It is more about what kind of different ways my views have changed in relation to society today. Let me offer a briefly extended background of my upbringing. Nothing to in detail, yet, but you can get an understanding of the foundation I was brought up on. I grew up in Minot, North Dakota. I was actually born on the air force base near by and grew up in an even smaller town known as Ruthville, home to a gas station, a hooters, and a pizza hut. I then relocated to the base and grew up with other air force brats. From time to time, we would leave the air force base, venturing into Minot or "downtown" as we called it. As we got closer to town, the vibe would change. It was obvious there was a difference between people from the air force base and people from Minot. That's why they called people "basers." It was something I still don't understand. I just place myself on a pedestal above those fucks and do my thing but I digress...You knew you were not a part of whatever kind of society Minot happens to be. (Personally, I think Minot is full of backwards thinking idiots that don't want things to change....fuck it.) As if being a "baser" wasn't different enough, I  also happen to be half native american and half black, a halfling, a mulatto, mixed child, whatever the fuck you want it to be. However, to most people in Minot, I was just black and nothing else and probably a few other things when I wasn't around. A number of my friends had no idea I was a nice, chocolately, blend of ethnicites. They would tell me "I just assumed you were full black," it's the same answer every time. Guarantee someone reading this right now is just finding this information out. But I digress...I never endured much direct racism. Most people just had a prejudgment of who I already was and I knew it. I was probably just some black dude that smokes weed and steals and all that shit and listens to hip hop and is going to steal their white daughter. A few of those are true but still....I definitely didn't give a shit what people thought of me. It's moments like this, I remember exactly who the lady was at Scheel's sporting goods and how she would follow me around, every fucking time, just waiting for me to swipe something. Had my friend never pointed it out to me, I never would have noticed it because I don't care about it so much but this lady chose to view me as a criminal immediately and that's understandable. Maybe I looked like someone from past experiences that stole from the store. I can imagine she gave herself a pat on the back for preventing another theft, the dumb bitch...But I digress...I don't care for skin color at all. I don't give a fuck what you look like. You fuck up. I fuck up. You hurt. I hurt. You feel. I feel. The color of my skin doesn't change that fact, nor does the color of anyone else's. That has always been my approach.

What is unfortunate, however, is that there is not very many people who view it this way and knowingly do so, which is fine. Everybody has their prejudices and personal opinions. It's human nature, it's just how we associate things. It's easy to look at me eating a piece of chicken and think "Typical..." because that's just the stereotype....my question to anyone out there though...who the fuck does not like chicken? I now know what Dave Chappelle means. If you don't like chicken there IS something wrong with you BUT I DIGRESS. The main point of this article is to deliver a change in my personal thought process. Let me explain how I discovered my thought process has been redirected: One day, as I was gathering my things to hop on the bus, my normal routine involves making sure I have what I need and to NEVER forget my iPad and headphones. My headphones are of a pretty nice model, I spent a nice amount on them. As I was making the move for the door, I happened to notice it was raining outside and decided if I was going to be wearing my headphones, I better put on a sweater. I proceed to my bedroom and looked amongst the various sorts of sweaters I had. I reached for my black sweater and thought "Can I wear a black sweater with my hood up without someone thinking I'm up to something?" Marinate on that for a moment. I'm not the type of person that looks at those kind of things. But as someone who observes from an outside perspective, I saw myself, a black man wearing a black hoodie with the hood up. I ended up wearing it, but the fact that the thought even crossed my mind freaks me out. Makes me wonder what other kind of bullshit I'm being led to believe...OH WELL. What do I know, I'm just a pot smoking, rapper after all.

Jantzonia - "Law of Attraction" Album Review

      In most scenarios of an album or mixtape being released, there is some sort of introduction that sets up a general feel for what to expect throughout the course of the CD. Such is not the case for Jantzonia's "Law of Attraction," the latest work coming from the upcoming North Dakota rapper. "Under the Sea," the first song from the album, begins with a deep pitched laugh that brings you into LOA and within about 2 bars, the rapping begins and it works quite well. Jantzonia throws in a fluctuation of styles, exampled by the lines stating, "...My faculty can't even keep close to me/ socially/ anymore would think maybe they'd noticed me/ but ehh/ I'm probably wrong..." It's delivered with such ease and confidence and it is impressive how often the style is switched over so many dope beats. The overall feel of the album is reminiscent of the hip hop golden days and homage is being paid with Jantzonia's new school influences, which is certainly  a breath of fresh air to those looking for music worth listening to. You will understand a bit about Jantzonia as a person and it certainly is an interesting tale. By the time a listener hears "...zoning out and rhymin' is all I really know...," the catchy hook to "All I Really Know" featuring Beezy, one should have an idea as to what to expect through the rest of the CD, which is a great thing because the amount of original concepts throughout this CD is impressive and adds a bit of anxiousness and leaves one wondering "What's this kid gonna do next?" or "How the hell does he make that work?" It's a highly commendable effort.
     With the variations of synthesized, trip hop beats mixed with old school hip hop sounds, the hunger and passion in Jantzonia's voice, it's hard to not acknowledge the amount of skill this kid has. It is evident that Jantzonia's lyrical ability is in a category of it's very own with few that could step in the ring and contest it. Where Jantzonia really shines is when he is in control of his ability, delivering with finesse. Reference the song "Make It Drop" for a perfect example. The airy sounds on the beat produced by Kashy, who is also featured on the song, come together for a nice, groovy, vibe and it is very easy to be captured right away with the distinct sound it has. Kashy compliments Jantzonia very well  on the track. The precision and punctuality of Jantzonia's verse is very impressive. Things get real nostalgic with a hybrid, 90's sound on "Same Old Hoodie", which is another showcase of Jantzen's versatility, further imprinting his ability to move from the traditional hip hop sound to trippy, bass heavy, slower tempo sound such as "preZENtation." It's quite the arsenal with the talent brought to the table over this album. All things considered, what a person will get from "Law of Attraction" as a whole is a well tuned machine that works on multiple levels. There is great quality between these tracks and Jantzonia can and does deliver. The future is very bright for this individual and his future works.
    


Rating: 8/10     


     Personal Favorites:
     "Make It Drop" featuring Kashy
     "What We Love"
     "All I Really Know" featuring Beezy

Download Link: http://www.datpiff.com/Jantzonia-Law-Of-Attraction-mixtape.645754.html


Click here and like Jantzonia's Facebook Page!

Real Truth "Dreamcatcher" Album Review

The opening verse of Real Truth's latest release, "Dreamcatcher," let's you know Truth is not sparing any emotion for this project by stating right away, "Feel surrounded by the hopelessness/ now I'm parent-less like the orphan is/ my direction is distorted shit/ it's hard to know what sober is." "Dreamcatcher" flows nicely from track to track, with nothing sounding too out of place. Immediately after the intro, you are hit with "Problems," which picks up the pace a bit with a new age sound with old school, B-Boy deliveries. "Glitch" follows nicely by stepping it up with the help of Jantzonia on the track, which is one of the more stand out collabs on the album. It's a fairly smooth transition throughout the entire course of "Dreamcatcher," which is filled with original beats, an original style, and a diverse squad of lyricists. Considering how well Truth compliments his own beats, it's no surprise he can say what he wants, however he wants. "Chaos Theory" begins with a Dark Knight reference most people should be familiar with unless they have lived under a rock for the last 5 years and leads into a trance-hop sound and Truth delivering bars such as, "grab the mic and do my thang/ and go ape shit like the orangutan drinking tang," and, "I love this shit like mr kel loves orange soda/ bitch I'm all that and a bag of chips from North Dakota." The nice thing about the album is that Truth's personality is all over every track. "Life is Beautiful" is a sweet serenade of observations made by RT. The lyrics chosen for the chorus, "If you're feeling like you want to throw the towel in/ Give it all up because you feel you never win," do a good job driving home the sobering effect the tracks intends to deliver. The production is also a notable mention. Everything meshes together well. It seems there is a particular sound to the beats and Real Truth does a good job at showing his versatility in his beat making game with elements drawn from multiple musical genres with a strong focus on an electronic/trance/hip hop vibe to it. "My Time" has the most distinguished sound out of the whole album and could be argued as one of the best tracks from this work. All in all, Truth's lyrical ability and content within each song are the real star here and to truly appreciate this gem, it's best the story is heard and Truth does an excellent job keeping listeners entertained throughout "Dreamcatcher." Although the singing may not be where it can be in certain moments, it still works and the potential that it adds makes for a nice mix to his arsenal of abilities. With some fine tuning, Real Truth's singing could make more of a presence in following projects. It will be very interesting to see how his music evolves going forward, considering he is still very, very early in his career. Songs to listen to: "My Time" is an insanely dope track and one that stands out the most. Mo Blunts and Real Truth keep pace with one of his more interesting beats off Dreamcatcher. Almost immediately, the vibe is set. Mo Blunts brings in the track nicely by chopping it up with with quick bars and some real s*** in his verse that sets the bar. Real Truth really shines with his precise delivery, hopping in and out of various flows but staying on point with every punch. It wouldn't be a surprise if this track is a favorite of Real Truth fans. The hook is dope and works well, but the one thing that pulls it back just far enough to keep the track from being a full 10 on the dope scale would be the singing in the chorus. It feels slightly out of place for the mood of the song but it is not so degrading to the song that it makes it unlikable. It is easily one of Real Truth's best performances. "Sober vs. Fiend" showcases Dreamcatcher's creative angle. A conversation between a Real Truth trying to detach himself from a Real Truth that wants to maintain old habits. The lyrics really bring this concept together and it delivers exactly how it is intended to deliver, which is to paint the picture that there is two conversations going on within Truth himself. Rating: 7.5/10

Download Link: http://realtruth.bandcamp.com/

The Main Reason: Jaeliyah McQuade Yellow Earrings

    For the most part, the personal door to my life is cracked open barely enough to let anyone see what's going on and I am open to the idea of letting people blindly gauge how I live my life from the outside and watch as most nay-sayers are proven wrong on the regs. I get a kick out of it because fuck em, right? However, for some odd reason, I've decided to share a small bit of insight into what keeps my engine full at all moments of the day and what I need for those moments where I feel like everything will tear me apart. Let's just go ahead and set the record straight as to why all of this is really happening.

    The little girl in this picture is Jaeliyah McQuade Yellow Earrings. She is the daughter to my cousin, whom does not need to be mentioned at any point except for the beginning of this article. Where it all began with this crazy monster was that shortly after she was born, the mother and father split up, or whatever, and the mother wanted nothing to do with Jae. Knowing my mom, hearing this information ate her up and she decided to bring this child into our family. One morning, prior to my knowledge of all this, my mom showed up to my apartment with Jae and asked me to watch her while she ran to the bank, all quick-like. Before this moment, I can probably count on one finger how many times I've held a baby and now my mom has tasked me to care for one. I sat down next to her on the floor while she was in her little baby carriage thing and she looked at me for like 5 seconds figuring out "who the hell is this guy." I smiled back and she immediately started crying. I had no idea what to do and the situation was escalating quickly. Luckily, my old man walked in the apartment, assessed the situation, came over. picked up Jaeliayah, did his fatherly thing and all was well soon after. It was a lot to learn in one moment but that moment changed everything. It was kind of like "Damn, maybe I should quit fucking around and try to figure out some real shit." I guess I just realized there's a lot more that I need to know about and watching this crazy girl grow up is teaching me a lot about myself. You can probably listen to my music and make the assumption that I'm all about white chicks and weed, but truly, that is not the case. They're awesome things, of course, but not why I'm doing it. That's all just extra. I'm doing this so that this crazy little girl can be the happiest crazy little girl she can be until she's old enough to start giving me lip. I'm willing to take bullets (and send a few if I have to,) I'm willing to get beat down, I'm willing to go through hell and back a million times to get what I'm trying to do done just to make sure this girl is taken care of. Why? I guess because it makes me kind of sad that someone would want to give up their child for selfish reasons, it hurts me to be honest and it is a constant hurt that I have for her but I look at this girl and hear her voice and nothing else matters.

She won't understand for a long time and, truthfully, she may not be concerned when the time comes that she does actually understand but there may also come a point where she's asking why the hell she doesn't look like her brothers and just, ya know...who knows. It kills me to see that moment. It also kills me to know that my parents aint young anymore and yet they still go out of their way to take care of Jae, even though they getting old and shit. Who knows when my parents are going to be too old to take care of Jae, I just know I need to have things lined up. My parents won't be so youthful forever. It is a constant battle to keep focused on the end of the path and sometimes you start making back up plans in case shit doesn't work out or you feel you start to lose your passion or nothing is going right at all in life...but then I get a hug from Jae and say fuck all that bullshit, I'm getting paid. I know that she can inspire me to get there by just being around and driving me crazy. I miss the hell out of her everyday but I'm out here grindin' to see her have better days and I'm hoping the pay out will be great.

As I bid adieu, I would like to leave anyone who made it this far with this parting thought: If there is ANYONE, ANYOOOOOOOOOOONE out there that has some sort of negative opinion on what I'm doing or if there's anyone out there that wants to get in the way of what I'm trying to do, let me say this: Ok. Cool. Go ahead. Talk your shit, I'll produce shit too, I can be a loud, ignorant mother fucker. If you would like to step in the way, try it. Try it and we'll see what the fuck happens. I know most people want me to be about getting cash and smoking weed all the time and I'm sorry you're absolutely fucking wrong in your assumption, but there is a plan in all of it and as long as Jae is there driving me crazy, I'll see it through to the end and do whatever the hell it takes, regardless of what peeps is thinking and saying. I'm in this bitch. #associatedacts

-EZ