What is depression? I've heard over the years from numerous people what their interpretation of depression is and it always involves a traumatic experience or a series of traumatic experiences of some nature. In regards to others, I always think" Damn, that's incredibly sad.I hate that you are dealing with that bullshit." My ability to empathize is both a gift and a curse because I feel so much for others that when they hurt, it hurts me as well. I''ve started to see the people I associate with and are closest with have dealt with some real shit throughout their lives. Upon discovering this realization, it was then I wondered what it was that brought me to these people and what kept me involved in their lives. What was it or what is it that attracts these folks to me or I to them? I've come to understand it's because they know the level of pain, hurt, and struggle that I know and I ask myself "Does that make me depressed?" For a long time, the things that I've experienced have been pushed to the side and are so deep rooted that I've just been able to remain silent over so many years and shove them off to the side. The reason I don't give a fuck about so many things in life is because I don't give a fuck about myself and it comes from years of dealing with bullshit. I remember being a couple years old and sleeping in the back of a car while my mom was getting drunk in a bar. I remember being a bad ass kid and her screaming at me" I Fucking hate you, Anthony Hagans." I grew up in a town that is still to this day ignorant as fuck. Fucking punks that only see me for the color of my skin and think it's ok to assume shit about me when they don't know a god Damn thing about me. Relatives that hardly cared for my brother's or myself because my mother had kids with a black man. I've heard shit like" yeah but he's not really black..." from various black folks. I've been in an identity crisis for so many years it's ridiculous but I just continue to do me the best that I can. Getting kicked out of the military was one of the worst experiences I went through because I was treated differently on my way out the door by so many people because they can judge you because you Fucked up and can be criticised for it. Fucking investigators Tryna get me to snitch on my homies 4 times and threatening me with jail time because I wasn't saying shit but then i'm forced to sign a paper admitting shit because several others said I was involved in these circumstances. I've had family and friends take money from me when I was tryna look out for em, people I've known for years. These are only a small percentage of things I've experienced and I could go on for days about Fucked up shit I've gone through and had to cope with myself. My kindness has been taken advantage of in so many different areas and I'm just stuck asking why. It's easy to be viewed as a fuck up when that's all you do but I've never changed who I was/am. I never aim to step on anyone's toes and I've accepted my failures and blame no one for anything. All of this and so much more eat me up every moment of every day of my life and it is a battle to raise myself up every day because throughout the majority of my life, nobody else has. Maybe it's because I've never opened up to anyone but I never knew how to because I never learned how to. It was always and still is" Accept and move on." That way of thinking has helped me cope with things and has also Fucked me up on so many levels. I'm not putting this out there to ask for help but I'm just telling it like it is. I can hardly even think of a single person to thank because in my darkest moments, it's always been just me there standing at the edge. The only thing that I have been able to speak to is my music. You can feel my anger, my hurt, my struggle, my joys, my pains, every bit of my personality because it's my release. I don't have to think about anything. I just rap my Fucking ass off because that's exactly how I feel at that moment in time. I don't do it to please anyone, I do it for myself and maybe someone will share the experiences I've went through along the way. This isn't for show. This isn't an act. This is for all the times I've never been able to speak up. This is for how Pissed off I am all the time. This is for how much struggle I've dealt with and didn't know what to do. This is for the ones who have never changed on me and saw me through my low points and I love those people. If I had to deliver a message within this piece it is to discover who you truly are. I learn something about myself every day, come to terms with certain things and though the situations do not necessarily get better, I understand myself a little more and it helps delegate what I wish to achieve for me. The weird and scary thing about depression is that you don't realize you are depressed. At least, not me and maybe it's because i don't want to think I am because how could someone like myself feel that way but truthfully, I do feel this way all the time when I need to stare it in the face and start making the changes I need to. I've found myself to be an angry, emotional, introverted ass muh fugga and it's hard to convey anything I think to anyone because of how I feel and think but I will say to anyone out there going through a similar situation, I feel your suffering and you will make it out. Give yourself goals and accomplish them, even if the seem insurmountable and never let anyone tell you otherwise. Do you for you and only you and you will see the benefits draw towards you, I guarantee it.
